Condensed Movies: Angels and DemonsAccidentally finding myself in front of Dan Brown's latest, I realised I haven't done a condensed movie for ages. Here it is, then, reduced down to the easy-to-understand language of today's youth. And a computer language that only old people willl understand.Plot accuracy, continuity and decent grammar, as always, not entirely guaranteed.ANGLES and DemonsTeh Pope: Hello. I am the FECKING POPE and I am excellent. I hope I don't die in this film, that would be complete FAIL. OhScientist Bird: Hello. I am Scientist Bird and I am excellent. I hope somebody doesn't steal my secret stash of FECKING ANTI-MATTER and use it to blow up THE FECKING VATICAN or something. OhF. Gump: Hello. I am F. Gump and I am excellent. You might remember me from such films as Toy...

Controversy has surrounded Martin Salter’s very personalised attack on the Pope in his Daily Telegraph blog column. I certainly agree that the Pope was out of line to seek to comment on and intervene in the UK Parliamentary process of considerin a new Equalities Bill. The Pope is not just head of the world-wide Roman Catholic church, he is also a foreign head of state. It would be rather like the Queen criticising proposed law changes in Spain or Italy. However, the Pope’s comments were immediately overshadowed by the abusive and frankly juvenile comments of Reading West MP Martin Salter. Salter criticised the Pope’s remarks but then descended into schoolboy abuse by describing the Pontiff as a hypocrite and ”bloke in a dress”. Catholics are outraged at...

Cranmer has been asked to comment on the ‘Ad limina’ address of Pope Benedict XVI to the 35 assembled bishops and archbishops of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, in which His Holiness was perceived to criticise the legislative programme of Her Majesty’s Government.His Grace has already attempted to do this, but manifestly failed miserably. He was accused of being inter alia ‘too clever’, ‘pompous’, ‘conceited’, blah, blah, blah (though not [yet] ‘bigoted’, ‘creepy’, ‘yucky’ or ‘disgusting’): the usual diatribe of puerile ad hominem vitriol which tends to be deployed by those who are either incapable of comprehension or unwilling to engage with the argument (or both). Firstly, it would help to understand precisely what the Pope said,...

Pope Benedict XVI has attacked British society and in particular our equality legislation. In a letter addressed to the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales, the pope criticised UK legislation for creating "limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs". Of course, what the Pope means is the law now prevents adoption agencies from discriminating against gay couples and the Equality Bill may mean the Catholic Church can no longer discriminate on grounds of sexuality or...

Benedict XVI says legislation safeguarding rights of same-sex couples violates 'natural law'Pope Benedict XVI has condemned British equality legislation for running contrary to "natural law" as he confirmed his first visit to the UK later this year.In a letter addressed to the Catholic bishops of England and Wales, the pope praised Britain's "firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all".However he criticised UK legislation for creating "limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs".It is thought his comments relate to laws that came in last year preventing adoption agencies from discriminating against gay couples.The pope, whose visit is expected in September, made the comments after hearing representations from English and Welsh...

Looks like Greg Pope will be getting some tender loving care from Nick Brown later today.  Labour’s Chief Whip and long-time Brown enforcer was overheard late last night on the train coming into King Cross.  Guido’s informant sent this from his iPhone: Nick Brown is sitting behind me on the train to KingsX right now and although he thinks he’s being guarded on the mobile – I know what he is talking about. The essence is that the plot rumours are real and he is holding meetings tomorrow to discuss things. Greg Pope was mentioned and the feelings within the PLP and ‘worries’, two camps, theose who will ’soldier on and those who want him out’… Monday night* is usually when the PLP meets.  Nick Brown will be keen to crush the dissent...

Pope asked his personal secretary to call on Susanna Maiolo 'to show his interest and benevolence', says VaticanThe pope's personal aide has visited the woman who jumped over a barrier and knocked the pontiff down in St Peter's Basilica on Christmas Eve, a Vatican spokesman said.Benedict XVI asked his secretary, Monsignor Georg Gaenswein, to call on 25-year-old Susanna Maiolo "to show his interest and benevolence", the Reverend Federico Lombardi said.Lombardi declined to comment on an Italian newspaper report that the aide told the woman the pope had forgiven her and gave her a rosary.The Boxing Day visit to a psychiatric clinic in the town of Subiaco, near Rome, had been made discreetly, and the Vatican had not planned on publicly talking about it until the newspaper report appeared,...

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - Pope Benedict used his traditional New Year address on Friday to call on people to change their lifestyles to save the planet, saying environmental responsibility was essential for global peace. Recalling that world leaders had gathered in Copenhagen last month for the U.N. climate conference, the pope said action at a personal and community level was just as important to safeguard the environment. “Nevertheless, in this moment, I would like to underline the importance of the choices of individuals, families and local administrations in preserving the environment,” the Pope told the thousands of faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “An objective shared by all, an indispensable condition for peace, is that of overseeing the...

Woman who knocked over pontiff was known to officials after attempting similar assault last yearThe Vatican's security arrangements were being scrutinised today after Pope Benedict XVI was knocked to the ground during Christmas Eve mass by a woman who tried to launch a similar attack on him a year ago.Susanna Maiolo, a Swiss-Italian national with psychiatric problems, jumped the barricade at the start of the service mass in St Peter's Basilica and was able to grab Benedict's vestments before security guards brought her down. The 82-year-old pontiff was uninjured and went on to deliver his Christmas Eve homily and his Christmas Day blessing today, although a French cardinal's hip was broken during the incident.Questions are being asked as to why Maiolo, 25, who jumped the barricade at...

Article by Nick Pisa from The Telegraph “Pope John Paul II regularly whipped himself in a sign of “remorse for his sins”, a nun has claimed. The Pope, who died five years ago, is being considered for sainthood by the Catholic Church. As part of the Vatican’s investigation thousands of documents have been collected and examined by officials from the Congregation for the Causes of Saints. Among them is the testimony of Tobiana Sobodka, a Polish nun of the Sacred Heart of Jesus order, who worked for Pope John Paul in his private Vatican apartments and at his summer residence in Castel Gandolfo near Rome. Sister Sobodka said: “Several times he (Pope John Paul) would put himself through bodily penance. “We would hear it – we were in the next room at Castel...

Right …. this is how it is ….. I always thought whipping was associated with kinky sex?  I’m right aren’t I? Well, apparently not!  A nun has split on a recently departed Pope!   Tobiana Sobodka (you little snitch!) has revealed that Pope John Paul would WHIP himself before he ordained priests!! Kinky Pope! Somehow, I will never look at another Pope in the same way again!      ...

[S]trive to imbue that people with good morals, and bring it to pass, as well through yourself as through those whom you know from their faith, doctrine, and course of life to be fit for such a work, that the church may there be adorned, the Christian religion planted and made to grow, and the things which pertain to the honor of God and to salvation be so ordered that you may merit to obtain an abundant and lasting reward from God, and on earth a name glorious throughout the ages, - Pope Adrian IV to Henry II of England, encouraging him to invade Ireland so the Irish church would come under the See of Rome. He was the only English...

It is reported that Pope Benedict XVI is to visit the UK in January 2010.It will be the first papal visit to Britain since 1982, when Pope John Paul II's six-day tour drew them from the four corners of the state to touch the hem of his garment. This visit will doubtless coincide with the beatification of Cardinal Newman, and Gordon Brown will also hope to use it as a useful prelude to an April(?) general election.Nothing like a bit of feel-good fervour to mesmerise the masses and induce acceptance of the status...

[weird] 20 most bizarre Craigslist adverts of all time … For example, Pope Hats: ‘Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear...

He probably won't try to get down with the kids but record company bosses are hoping that their latest signing will prove popular, not least because he comes with a ready-made audience of about a sixth of the world's population.Geffen Records, whose roster of stars has included Guns n' Roses, Elton John, Donna Summer and Snoop Dogg, yesterday announced that it had signed a new artist: Pope Benedict XVI.Rather disappointingly, the pope's album will not be cover versions – Summer's Heaven Knows, perhaps, or Dogg's Neva Have 2 Worry. It will, though, feature a singing pope for the first time on CD. His holiness will be singing a Marian prayer as well as speaking Lauretan Litanies in different languages – Italian, Portuguese, French and German – accompanied by eight original pieces of...

1981 was an interesting year, Prince Charles got married, Liverpool were crowned champions of Europe. Australia lost the Ashes and the Pope died. 2005 was also an interesting year, Prince Charles got married, Liverpool were champions of Europe again, Australia lost the Ashes again and the Pope died. Lesson learned - the next time Charles gets married get your money on an awesome treble and don't warn the Pope. Comments...

Three nuns who hurried towards Pope Benedict XVI's holiday home after learning that he had suffered a minor accident were stopped by police for speeding at 120mph. Sister Tavoletta, 56, was at the wheel of the Ford Fiesta, and two other unnamed nuns, aged 65 and 78, were passengers when police pulled them over.When stunned officers asked why they were speeding, Sister Tavoletta said: "We had heard how the Pope had fallen over and we were on our way to make sure he was OK."The nuns were stopped while an hour's drive from Pope Benedict's summer holiday chalet at Les Combes. Earlier, the pontiff had slipped in the bathroom and fractured his wrist – new which caused great consternation at the nuns' Salesian convent. The trio immediately jumped in a car to try and visit him.A spokesman for...

On Pope FACTSI repeat: Top Ten Pope Facts that are 100 per cent of FACT.Use these entirely truthful facts at parties, in front of your boss and even at Sunday mass. You will soon be the talk of the town. Although – possibly – not for the right reasons.10. The Pope has recently opened a Facebook account, and is already at level 256 on Mafia Wars9. His Holiness The Pope has an uncredited cameo role in hit movie Angels and Demons, playing a nunchuk-wielding nun in the final battle scene8. The Pope, following a bit of messy business he'd rather not preach about, is to add a get-out clause to the Ten Commandments by adding the words "except greased-up nuns". He is also pressing for the text of the Sermon on the Mount to be altered to include the words "Blessed are the MILFs, for they are...

If you don’t already do so, visit Andy Holroyd’s blog ‘Trousers to grow into’ (see link on our blog roll) Andy posts some ‘cracking’ stuff on his site. One of his latests is a fun quiz designed to see what sort of Pope you would be Based on my answers, I am apparently - . . . a heady mix of the most evil Popes – Paul III, Benedict IX, Urban II and “Hitler’s Pope” Pius XII Click link below to take Andy’s Quiz and see what sort of Pope YOU would make http://tinyurl.com/ohb93k...

Hear today that the Pope is to have a Facebook account. Sure to have a lot of friends requests...... Pope Benedict also has a website called pope2you.net which includes links to the Vatican YouTube, i-phone and WikiCath the Catholic Wiki.... Comments...

Excerpts from an Article by ABE SELIG AND JERUSALEM POST STAFF from here, May 12 2009 “After meeting the grand mufti of Jerusalem, Muhammad Ahmad Hussein, and praying at the Western Wall on Tuesday, Pope Benedict XVI arrived for a historic meeting with the chief rabbis at Heichal Shlomo, next to the capital’s Great Synagogue, and agreed that the Catholic Church will cease all missionary activity among Jews. In his welcoming address, Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Yona Metzger thanked the pope for his announcement, calling it an “historic agreement and, “for us, an immensely important message.” Metzger also congratulated the pope on his arrival to “our holy land – the land to which we prayed to return during 2,000 years of exile… And, with...

“The Pope has said he never, never was a member of the Hitler Youth, which was a movement of fanatical volunteers,” Franco Lombardi, a Vatican spokesman has said, claiming that the young Joseph Ratzinger had served in an auxiliary air defence squadron “that had nothing to do with Nazism or Nazi ideology.” However, the Pope has said himself in past interviews that prior to serving as a Wehrmacht anti-aircraft gunner he had been conscripted, along with so many other German boys of his age, into the Hitler Youth, in which he had served reluctantly….  in a series of interviews in the 1996 book Salt of the Earth, the Pope, then still a cardinal, said that he had been drafted into the Hitler Youth. “When the compulsory Hitler Youth was introduced in 1941, my brother was...

Pontiff due to give mass in Garden of Gethsemane as his pilgrimage in the Holy Land continuesPope Benedict XVI was visiting some of the most important religious sites in Jerusalem's Old City today on the second day of his pilgrimage in the Holy Land.He began at the Temple Mount or Haram al-Sharif, which houses the Dome of the Rock and the al-Aqsa mosque, one of the holiest sites in Islam. Then accompanied by Israel's chief rabbis he saw the holiest site in Judaism, the Western Wall. He was to have meetings with the chief rabbis before visiting the Cenacle, the apparent site of the Last Supper.Later today he will say a mass in the Kidron Valley at the Garden of Gethsemane, just outside the walls of the Old City.The pope was publicly criticised yesterday, at the start of his visit, for not...

• Rabbi says apology lacking for role of wartime church• Pontiff states suffering of victims not to be deniedPope Benedict XVI was publicly criticised today for not going far enough in his condemnation of the Holocaust, on his arrival in Israel for a week's pilgrimage to the Holy Land.Within moments of attending a remembrance service at Yad Vashem, Israel's official Holocaust memorial, he came under fire for not apologising for the Catholic church's wartime conduct.After landing in Tel Aviv, Benedict delivered a speech calling for the creation of a Palestinian "homeland", but also speaking out against antisemitism, saying its continuance across the world was "totally unacceptable" and should be combated."It is right and fitting that, during my stay in Israel, I will have the...

I’ve written before about the decline in simple journalistic standards and fact checking at the newspaper which purports to be Britain’s 'newspaper of record'. The Times comment/editorial section, has in the last few years, been more interested in acting as the last remaining propaganda outlet of British neo-conservatism, than in getting simple facts right. In today's paper there is a comment piece entitled 'The Pope is deeply suspect in Jewish eyes', written by Stephen Pollard.You would have thought that an article attacking the Pope (pictured above), would at least get the man's real name right. It doesn't.The article refers to the Pope as 'Thomas Ratzinger'. His name is Joseph Alois Ratzinger.It beggars belief that no one who dealt with this article knew the Pope‘s real name or...

Pontiff tells survivors to remember the dead as they rebuild their shattered livesTearful mothers held out their children to be blessed by the pope today when he visited the Italian village hit hardest by an earthquake earlier this month.Speaking in Onna, where 40 out of 300 inhabitants perished in the disaster, Benedict XVI told survivors to fix their minds on their dead relatives and friends as they strove to rebuild their shattered lives."It is precisely in memory of these brothers and sisters that you must commit yourselves afresh to living," the pontiff said. Beginning a tour of the disaster zone, he said those who survived the destruction when the earthquake struck on 6 April should rely on "that which does not die and which the earthquake did not destroy – love". The pope...

I am very fond of “What ifs?” and alternate histories. Okay a lot of ideas may be ludicrous but they still can be fun to consider. Even more interesting of course are real life rather than speculative contingencies. Telegraph carries a report on what the Vatican would have done if the Pope had been arrested by the Nazis during WWII.According to documents in the Vatican's Secret Archives Pope Pius XII told senior bishops that should he be arrested by the Nazis, his resignation would become effective immediately. The bishops would then be expected to flee to a safe country – probably neutral Portugal – where they would re-establish the leadership of the Roman Catholic Church and appoint a new Pontiff."Pius said 'if they want to arrest me they will have to drag me from the...

The spirit of Protestantism is everywhere. Tony Blair has told Pope Benedict XVI that His Holiness is wrong on homosexuality – ie, that homosexual relations are not objectively disordered and that the blurring between the sexes will not lead to the destruction of the human race. The former prime minister has not quite nailed his 95 theses to the door of The Vatican, but he does make a bid for democracy to enter the Church’s moralising when he points out the disparity between the teaching on faith and morals of the Magisterium and a ‘poll of the congregation’ done in a ‘well-attended Catholic Church’. The former, he asserts, belongs to a bygone era: it is mainly the thinking of older Catholics with ‘entrenched attitudes’. The latter is more ‘liberal minded’. Neither of...

Tony Blair thinks that the Pope is wrong on homosexuality. Tony Blair, who has been a Roman Catholic already for more than a year, tells the Pope how things have to be: Tony Blair has challenged the “entrenched” attitudes of the Pope on homosexuality, and argued that it is time for him to “rethink” his views. Speaking to the gay magazine Attitude, the former Prime Minister, himself now a Roman Catholic, said that he wanted to urge religious figures everywhere to reinterpret their religious texts to see them as metaphorical, not literal, and suggested that in time this would make all religious groups accept gay people as equals. Asked about the Pope’s stance, Mr Blair blamed generational differences and said: “We need an attitude of mind where rethinking and the concept of...

Article from here, April 2 2009 “A child crippled by a kidney tumour was able to walk again after praying at the tomb of Pope John Paul II on the eve of the fourth anniversary of the late pontiff’s death, it was claimed last night. The nine-year-old Polish boy was brought to St Peter’s Basilica on a pilgrimage to the grave of the Polish pope who died on April 2 2005. Last night Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz, the former private secretary of Pope John Paul, said that after praying at the tomb in the crypt of the Rome basilica he ’suddenly’ started walking again. ‘He was brought in a wheelchair because he wasn’t able to walk,’ the cardinal said. As soon as the boy emerged from the basilica, he told his parents: ”I want to walk.’ He...